Faith

The St Paul's experiment is the reengineering of my faith. I want to distance myself from the modern setting of the church, the guitars and drumbeats, not because I have grown to be against it but I want to better focus my soul and spirit in search for Christ. To put myself within this premise, where the music fades and all is stripped away, one way to help me is to go to St Paul's.

I'm calling it the authentic regime. This is as close as I can get to access my religion in its more traditional sense. The contemporary approach has cautioned me of being over zealous on the inclination to seek religiousity. But I shall enter this phase with my head bowed and my spirit knelt at the desperate search to clearly receive spiritually. I want my spiritual intake to be dense, laden with complexity and with breakthrough, blessed with epiphany.

Furthermore, being also tied into the body of a church where I have grown to be part of at HTB Students every Tuesday, it is now easier for me to experience both the grace of God in the contemporary and the magnitude of his Holiness in the traditional. God is multi-dimensional. I don't know if my time here in London is temporary, but for whatever its worth, I'm making sure that this will be a fruitful phase.

What does this mean to me as an individual? The goal I am pursuing is not sacralisation but rather the opening-up of my spiritual consciousness where I can be reflexive with God being a best friend (which I have no problems going into that) and God being the God up high, the deity that I fear.

Being more conscious is vital as I am on the journey towards seeking revelation. I am living in a phase of spiritual contemplation because I can afford it and because I can psyche myself into adoration as when the distinguished choir resonates within the cathedral, and when I close my eyes, it would be easy for me to spiritually envision the presence of God. Thank God for that and the grace that I can enjoy being so easily ushered into meeting him this way every week.

Critical

I have come to a point of joy in my time here as a postgraduate student here at King's College, London. Despite the fact that there are outstanding challenges that I have to face in meeting with the demands of the course and being able to afford the London life, I'd give all that for the depth that I had experienced today in realising my academic dream.

I had enrolled in a module called Religion, Politics and Public Policy. Although, in entirety the aspect of public policy only casted a ghostly appearance within how the module unfolded, it had slowly made its way to become my most memorable module in the whole entire course (although I have two modules yet to be examined, I am going to be biased and say that this wins hands down).

The reason behind this is that firstly it is within my persona to be very self reflective and deep especially in the areas of purpose of life, religion and the profoundness of seeking inner peace. This is very observable in the way I have approached most of my commentary in this blog I have (I can't believe that it has been eight years coming). Secondly, to add is also the fact that religion, its political and personal role that it has, is a subject matter that I have been highly interested in for a very long time, from a very young age.

Today, one of my closest friend in MA Public Policy, William and I were having a discussion on this final essay we have. It required us to answer if secularism is critical to democracy. The epiphany, was not that we had answered the question spot on or arrived at a very good conclusion. It was the fact that my mind moved in the way I had always wanted it to be at a very high level of academic discourse. This was what I had clearly lacked during my undergraduate days and had been aspiring to experience.

It is not that I could not afford such a debate outside the visages of an academic institution. For me, it was the novelty of having to experience a student life like that. On a personal note, it was also a great relief as there were many adjustments for me to make to re-enter into the realm of being a student. I took a longer time that most people but I know that this year, I am primed to be able to graduate with a more mature intellectual process.

I know that there will never be an end to what I can learn. But my point here is that in the midst of the debate that I had with William, there was a sense of joy that the novelty that I had always wanted has met its inspired moment. I hope that in the remaining days, that I will get the opportunity to ravel in this feeling for as much as I can.

Sunny

Why do I wake up every morning for the past five days with a an incomprehensible hope? It is mid-winter in London but despite it, sun rays pierced through my curtain windows and woke me up today. Something different is fuelling me emotionally - even when there is no substantial evidence to back this joy. All alone in a city far far away, I have come to a personal place in my heart where I can say that I am happy despite the worries that I have.

This has been the first taste of what 2012 feels like. I don't know if it will be savoury throughout but if this is how destiny begins, let it be known that this year, which I feel will be my biggest year yet that I am ready. My heart is at peace.

Janelle

Far far away I am singing
a love song to you
All this while of waiting
Endlessly

Four past Decembers we met
Gone from strangers to being friends
Friendship to lovers
Slowly finding our way

Thank you for
All your kisses and love
You are such a sweetness
personified
In my life

The distance it make me more sure
Of the reason why I cringe
Every time I'm thinking
missing you

Thank you for
All your kisses and love
You are such a sweetness
personified
In my life

Hear dear love
Even when this reaches you
Loud as may be
Or silent as a whisper

The reasons why pictures I take are
monochrome is cause
When you come to London
You'll paint my life in colour

Ps: I did say I was going to end with a song didn't I? XP Love you Xian.

2011

One more post, I promised myself, and here I go ending a rather fruitless blog year of 2011. The mandatory review, something that I have not been doing since 2008 is here again to be. I know that in a few years time, I would reflect on this writings and place a retrospective barometer upon how my life has been.

2008 till now, I must admit that a good part of my soul had been undergoing secularisation, a term very much frowned upon by the institutions that represent the faith I profess. From my readings so far, top thinkers are deciding to head back to the drawing board of what the term means. But this process, to me, is more of a journey towards modernity, a movement towards having a faith that I can fully embrace in my mind and heart and understanding God to my level best - even if it means I only get a glimpse at a small part of a larger view.

I have very little adherence to regiment. I need a 'third force' most of the time to get at my deadlines; it being as obvious as my work during my time at The Star or coursework part of my postgraduate course. To some, my decision to leave the comforts of a job which I am passionate about to discover the meaning of my life in a radical sense had limited grounds for credible justification. But then I am a rebel - not against anyone but against my presumed conventions of life that encircle me all the time.

I don't know, till today if I am right. I make mistakes, and am very prone at them. But if I enjoy the grace of redeeming myself, I will try my level best to right the wrongs of my preceding work. Many a times I redeem myself and those who have vested faith in me, I tend to appreciate greatly and am loyal to.

Growth… meaning of life… sentiments that I am very weighed in about. At the end of a season that widely illustrated what my life was before this, my undergraduate days, I said a prayer and it has been the prayer for my life ever since until I find a resolution. That is to find myself in a new season all over again, waiting for the next defining point.

I guess the moment is living in this season. I am back into contemplating my future. And unlike the concerns that I had before this, it involves bigger things now. Stuff like marriage, household, career fill my thought agenda and ultimately - the meaning of life.

Some may find out what they're destined for, some will not know but find peace in journey through every season. This is where I am at now. Before, adulthood sums me up to the persona I will portray, I will always challenge my perspective and if my beliefs prevail and corresponds with my growth, I know I am on the right track.

On the 25th December of my life, I am at peace with the direction I am taking, only anxious as to where I will be going next year. It is when I make my mark.

The question I now point back to you is if you had looked back, how have you grown this year?

London

London... I'm in a different world, a new kind of world. Everyday seems like a dream that keeps repeating. I stepped into the great halls of my university yesterday and boy, was I overwhelmed. The mood is set, my visions are fixed and my heart is beaming to make my time at King's count. :)

This place seems like a home I never had. I am naturally blending into this metropolis. Everyone speaks the language I speak. Even the roads make sense and there is an orderly system to everything here. I can take the public transport easily. I can walk on the main streets at night with my host and dear friend Chang Jin and encounter the quaint and romantic sentiment of London at night. In a nutshell, I love London like no other city! haha. Even when my heart lies greatly in Brisbane.

So, if you're wondering, I am more than fine. And to ask if I am homesick, I'm not! hahaha! Just miss the luxury of having a car and the companionship of my family and friends.

Proposal

Every vision has a beginning. And in every beginning, the potential of a vision is limited to the very best capacity of its stakeholder at that point of time. It was only through a chance I have been blessed with, that has found me wanting more.

Graduating locally, I may have become a specialist in what I can do as a journalist. But now after contemplating either to stay within my comfort zone or to leave it for greater things by risking a lot, I'd rather go for the latter. And it is within this life's gamble that has made the difference for me.

My perspective has changed. Circumstances about my future change. My work as a journalist changes. Now, my new dream is to strive to translate what I can do in writing to reality. A postgraduate experience from a notable school will provide legitimacy to that. Then, I shall seek out my experience to build that credibility.

This is why now, I am seeking for people to invest in my future. People who have faith in me. Then, when my time comes, I will, with all my heart show that I would live up to the theme of making a difference. Eloquently.

King's College

MA Public Policy.

I've always wondered what was it out there where I could go and do. Is there more? Or is there less? Should I stop extending my horizons and be a confined specialist or be an explorer of where my life can go? I have found my resolution and chose to be uncomfortable.

A credit card swipe of £1430 sealed the deal and mapped the agenda that was ahead. It was a mixture of faith, passion and fear to a certain extent. The 24-month learning curve as a journalist opened the options to who I can become. My idealism has been reserved for this greater opportunity I did not know of from the start.

Don't get me wrong. I love my job, I love it to bits. But I realised that I loved my life and how I am blessed with it. Therefore it is only responsible that I should follow my heart and my dreams as I believe is divine as who else can be behind such an inspiration to move forward.

The mandate is strong and encouragement is aplenty. I even enjoy the benefit of some associates who are willing to play the role of being the devil's advocate but it all points to a resilience that I cannot shake off, this experience and education I cannot deny.

My sights are set clear as the brightest night sky. And despite the clouds of challenges, be it financial or the uncertain future, I know that beyond that is the brilliance of the stars and how they eloquently and steadfastly demonstrate that this vision and dream will meet its intended reality if one would only give his all.

I believe.